I like the fact that I can be truthful with myself when I write, and although I think it’s also the reason why I do not share my blog posts again because in as much as I am writing and posting, I still feel like I am not ready for people to read about me, even though they can.
(If you get what I mean, yep. If you don’t, don’t worry about it dear!)
To the subject matter, my birthday.
My birthday is coming up (I turn 35 years old), and for the first time in a long time, I do not feel like shouting about it.
My friends have been buzzing to say I have been quiet because usually, I would have started my countdown in January. Lol!
So, let me give a little background.
I grew up hating my birthday because of how much I felt unloved (not practically) but how I felt at the time. I had an idea of how I thought a birthday should be (problem with reading a lot and ingesting what I was reading) but it never was like that, and I just grew to hate the day.
I would switch my phones off on my birthdays up until my mid or even late 20s because I hated to answer the question: “How is your day going?”. Usually, it’s always basic and I hated that I had to make it sound fun or take the defeat that it was basic.
Fast forward to my late teens and early 30s, I began to make it a big deal, where I would think through what kind of day I wanted and then go ahead to plan it. If I wanted a gift, I would buy it for myself.
I stopped waiting for anything or anyone to make it special. I became my own Birthday savior and controlled how I wanted to feel.
Well, not until this year.
Like I said, I’m turning 35 years old which is seemingly supposed to be a semi-big deal, but I have no plans. Not only do I have no plans, I have no want or desire to want anything.
Usually, I always have something that I want, and then work towards getting it or at least wish for it, but this time, nothing.
My heart is blank and my wish tank is empty (Sort of).
It’s almost like I have gotten to a point where I am convinced that the universe knows what I want, and I don’t care about helping it to “help” me.
Also, I have proven to myself in the last years that I can get myself whatever I want and make plans to make my birthday special if I want to. So, now, nothing to prove.
Some people will say it’s growth, but I genuinely think it’s me just giving up. I have concluded that making it special for myself will not take away the yearning for someone else to make it special for me.
So, it’s me telling myself, “Olayinka it’s okay. You have nothing to prove to yourself and you can’t drown that need. Face it, enjoy your day however, it happens without either wanting to run away by switching off or distracting yourself by doing too much”.
That is, it is what it is. Maybe one birthday, will genuinely “birthday” organically the way I dream it in my heart. Until then… Selah!
And Happy Birthday to me in advance!!
