I can genuinely say my major goal right now is to be happy.
If you ask a lot of people, they will tell you that I am happy, and truly I can be happy. I have mastered the art act of being happy.
I mean, growing up, we were always told that happy girls are the prettiest, so to feel completely pretty, you always have to appear happy.
Then one time in my life, early teens, I read a book about friendship that emphasized the need to appear happy because everyone wants to be around happy people.
I think because of this, I have relegated the sad feeling to being a sign of trouble. So, when I’m sad, I’m upset with myself. I feel like an ingrate, especially because God has always had my back.
From feeling like an ingrate, I would feel immature and silly that I am making the people around me worried. And the last thing I always want to worry about is people not being able to be happy around me.
Again, that stems from past experiences where I have had a close friend who was always moody and sad, and I knew what it always took me to push through with her. I don’t want to be that friend to my friends.
I want people to think of me as being happy every time they want to meet up.
While it’s good to embrace the totality of happiness, I think what it’s caused me, is the denial of sadness when in actual sense it was/is okay to be sad about anything for as long as I want to, but also snapping out not out of fear of it been noticed, but having dealt with that emotion healthily.
I was reading through the notes I wrote toward my birthday last year, and my 34th-year resolution was to be less hard on myself and have fun with life.
Turning 35, did I achieve that?
Maybe a little. But so little I think I have to repeat that goal this year.
However, I need to be realistic and give myself grace because if all you’ve done all your life is fight for happiness, it’s hard to just let go and let life teach you organically how to be happy.
And that is the goal.
I want to be organically happy. Of course, I have to take control over my emotions, but the way I have let myself love organically, I want to also let happiness come organically. I want to know what truly makes me happy, and not me programming myself to be happy for certain things.
